21 noveber 2013
its 04:18am and im sat on my bedroom floor, cold. staring at myself in the mirror. my anxiety has came back full force tonight. I need to see myself to convince myself I am not having stroke. even that doesnt help because it becomes distorted and i see half my face dropping. half my face feels numb and my right arm feels heavier, so I constantly have to lift both my arms above my head to check.
I felt i needed to write on here incase I died, or had a stroke. but also kind of put it all into perspective. because I know/hopeeeeeeee its mainly in my head, and sounds ridiculous despite part of me not believing that.
on another note, i am not being a nice human being at the moment and need to be straight with people/someone when i figure out what do…
so I aim to now: 1-find another job 2-apply to uni. 3-try a yoga or other class..
plan for something fun to do summer 2014 ?
I forgot I had a list of aims for 2013, this year has gone too fast. how is it september already!?!?!?!
- get thin, toned, happy.
- cut down on drinking. I guess ive cut down without realising it because I work when all my friends go out drinking..
- take a yoga class.
- get a job. —-> done but still need a week job !!
- visit paris. - very fun! :)
- camp.- yeppppppp
- either apply to uni / have other options… —> planning on applying to do psychology at uni, most likely doing a foundation year first because I did shit in college.
- find a new, interesting hobby. - maybe try a pole dancing class
- appreciate what I have - amazing friends and family. & make sure to let them know I love them all.
- continue confidence building
- holiday with friends - FALIRAKI
19 september 2013
had the best time of my life (so far) in faliraki, with six of the best girls ever. I was sat on the bus home, sad to be going obviously, but i was looking over at each of them and realised just how much I loved every one.
i loved how care free everything was! not a problem for a whole week, and i felt genuine happiness, which I hadnt felt for a while.
I did end up in a greek hospital one night, because i passed out on the strip, we had been to a free bar and i got abit carried away!!!! Id been drunk all day that day aswell actually, cocktails by the pool.. yum.
but apart from that it as perfect, met nice people toooooooo
im still alive, yeyyy
got in last night at about three a.m and got texts off jonathan saying, you home natalieeeeeeeeeee
then he said seeing my name made him smile.. but I only saw that one this morning, so havnt replied.
he told me to text him today aswell, but I think its a bad idea.
before I went away I said I liked him, but I don’t think I do really, I think I like the idea of him more than him. which is horrible and bad. but I don’t like how he goes in a mood with me if I don’t want to see him. I don’t see anyone every day, that’s what I don’t like about relationships… I don’t see my friends everyday and we don’t fall out!
just calm it, you know?
i just need Natalie time, lots of the time.
also i really want to move away somewhere hot, as soon as possible.
what id really love is to own a bar over there! thatd be awesome! deffos going to think about that as a serious option.
9th august 2013
everyone has that hot teacher in school that everyone fancies.
well he never taught me, but hes still hot.
and last Thursday I ended up going back to his house and having sex with him! haha it seems weird now like, he didn’t know that I went to his school or anything until I got back to his and told him, cant have bothered him that much cos we had sex after..
I also had small amount of cocaine with him, im not sure if it did much because I was drunk already. I was just loving the night really, dancing around his kitchen all night. fun.
butttt, the thing is, ive been ‘hanging out’ with someone else, jonathan. and I maybe, slighty, possibly… have some feelings for him, but don’t want to.
but Emily told him I had sex with mr G, so it wont be the same again. hes pissed off with me. I slept at his last night though, but we never had sex.
we’ve had sex on two occasions, but I just like his company.
I liked the sex too, and wanted to last night but hadn’t shaven my ‘private parts’ and im abit funny about that I like to be clean shaven all the time.
but he text me when I got home saying it pisses him off that I quite happily have sex with my teacher and wont with him…
so I just said oh sorry I didn’t have sex with you.
hmmmmmmmm, I never know what to say. im a nob.
and im abit of a stalker, I check his twitter like the daily newspaper. just to see if hes tweeting anything about me, he doesn’t even know that I know what his twitter is. is that abit weird?
I don’t like liking guys though. can only end badly.
at least its taking my mind off hanging myself.
im going on holiday tonight!
and im shit scared of flying and think ill probs die.
so if I do. im sorry jonathan. for admitting I stalk you haha. awk
hope you know youre a lovely guy and will make some lucky lady very happy one day.
move to abu dhabi aswell!
darlington’s shit, and you need to be happy.
I feel like I should write to all my friends individually, but this might be bad luck and ill actually die. touch woood. fuck.
id hope my friends would know I love them all soo muchhhhhhhh, ya’ll know who yous are. mwamwa
and at my funeral everyone better be drinking lambrini.
we just wanna have fun.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee bitchezzz xoxoxoo
im trying to be happy, im really trying.
but life is bullshit. everyone and everything.
im seen as a failure/weird for not being at uni by now or wanting to go to uni or having a career in mind, or have any idea in the slightest what I am going to do with my life.
just what is the point in anything.
I don’t see it.
Im just miserable.
I don’t feel emotions really, only sadness, and annoyance, and nervousness and anxiety.
I cant remember happiness, a fond and distance memory of mine.
that sounds soppy as fuck but whatever.
I drink too much these days, just helps me forget really, and focus only on now.
I just wish I could talk to someone.
but I wont, ill continue to cry in my room